BDS2k17

Welcome to <h1>Big Dick Simulator 2017</h1> [[Let's start! ->Start]]

How big do you want your dick to be? [[Small]] [[Average sized]] [[As big as possible]]

Come on. [[What?->Small2]]

Ok, wait, hold on. Did you read the name of this game? This is not about being average. Don't you want to have the Biggest Dick? [[Yeah, I guess you're right->Start]] [[Not really?->Average2]]

You've made the right choice. [[I sure have!!!->Start2]]

I mean, maybe you don't get the appeal. You understand why you'd want the biggest dick posisble, right? [[Oh, of course, silly me, yes.->Start]] [[Not really?->Average3]]

Ok, well, biologically speaking, at any point in your real meatspace life, have you had a dick as a part of your body? [[Sure have!->HasDick]] [[No way!->NoDick]]

Ok, so you get it then. You probably learned all about the benefits of having a big dick from your primary introduction to human sexuality: pornography. In that pornography, man, having that big dick was certainly helpful! [[Oh yes, I remember this part now!->HasDick2]]

Ok, so, first off: pretend you're stupider than you currently are. [[Ok, I'll go with you on this one->NoDick2]]

Anyway, so much of your projected self worth is tied up in unquestioned animal lust, probabilistically speaking. And you've know that big dick is basically the only variable that matters, right? So why not indulge in the escapist fantasy, allowed to you only in video games, and make that dick a big as will be allowed? [[You know what? You're right. I'm ready to answer your question again.->Start]] [[Wait, are you sure about that?->GameOver1]]

<H1>You Have Lost</H1> <h2>You refused to have a big dick</h2> You're clearly playing the wrong game, anyway, so I'm sure you don't mind. [[Start over->Landing]]

And now imagine that you learned everything that you know about human sexuality from movies that were shown specifically on Cinemax, after midnight. [[You mean Skinemax?->NoDick3]]

Right. So, you probably have no idea about, like, what healthy human sexual interaction is like. Maybe not even any idea, at a higher level, about how to be intimate. Not even sexually; I mean, at a fundamental level, you might not have an idea how to expose any part of yourself, in a potentially vulnerable way, to another human. All you can do is try to mimic an observed interaction, and as it's one that is already rooted in the deeply complex clusterfuck of the wants and desires put forth in pornography, you have some nagging feeling that the more of this thing, the dick, that you have, maybe the more likely you are to be accepted, to be loved. [[Oh, that's kind of sad->NoDick4]]

Really? [[What???->Small3]]

Did you miss the title of this game? [[What was it again?->Landing]] [[Yeah, but, I mean, you gave me that choice, this is on you, isn't it?->Small4]]

It was for comedy's sake. I didn't think anyone would click on it, honestly. [[Ok, fine, let me go back and try again->Start]] [[No, I demand you let me have the smallest dick possible->GameOver1]]

At least, that's our market segment, here at Big Dick Simulator 2017. We're specifically dialed in on that 13-18 cis male demographic, the one with the elevated horny levels and all that disposable income that we'd like to able to siphon off by providing the experience of having the largest dick possible. [[Well at least you're honest about it, I guess->Start]] [[So it's all just naked capitalism at the end? That's pretty shallow->GameOver1]]

(set: $tp to 'false') The glorius buldge that presses through the front of your trousers (tailored, of course, to maximize the display of moose knuckle to the many envious onlookers) threatens to buckle the structural integrity of the zipper that hides your thick anaconda from otherwise prying eyes. [[Awesome! I feel very powerful.->Start3]]

Were that structural integrity to fail, however, it might actually be yet another case of your raw dominant power aiding you in yet another avenue in your life, because you :really: need to go to the restroom. [[Oh no! Where's the nearest bathroom?->Start4]]

You're in it already. [[Oh, whew, good thinking on my part->Start5]]

Since you're not in need of simply urinating, you select a private stall in which to conduct your business. You remove your trousers, unleashing your gargantuan meat log in all it's glory. As you attempt to lower yourself onto your selected porcelain throne, you realize, with horror, that the magnitude of your girth exceeds the volume that the designers of the toilet expected! If you just sit, your tremendous package will be submerged in waters that will soon be full of all sorts of.... unmentionables. [[Oh no! Not that!->Main]]

You're in quite a pickle. [[Try to hover->Hover]] [[Experiment with pelvic angle->Pelvis]] [[Look around furiously->Stall]] [[It's probably fine->GameOver2]] (if: $tp is 'true')[ [[Construct elaborate support device->Support]]]

You look around in desperation. (if: $tp is not 'true')[There's a discarded toilet paper roll here.] [[Never mind->Main]] (if: $tp is not 'true')[ [[Grab that roll!->Take]] ]

Your enormous log makes maintaining your balance in this position very difficult. You may not have enough core strength to hold your body, and its gargantuan, veiny staff over the toilet for the entirety of the time required. Are you sure you want to do this? [[Yes, absolutely!->GameOver3]] [[Let me think about this again...->Main]]

You angle your pelvis at a 45 degree angle. The curature and light droop make your tremendous package look just like the dragon you know, deep in your heart, it truly is. [[Ok, let's do this!->GameOver4]] [[This hurts my back->Main]]

<h1>You have lost</h1> <h2>Your large dick is covered in toilet water</h2> Whatever benefits your dong provides, estimating spatial relations is not one of them. [[Try again->Landing]]

How are you going to try to support your enormous ding a ling? [[Just shove it in the tp roll, like a dong gauntlet->GameOver5]] [[Unwrap it and spread it across the lip of the bowl->Win]]

Sure, may as well. (set: $tp to 'true') [[Ok!->Stall]]

<h1>You have lost</h1> <h2>You deficated outside of the toilet bowl</h2> Wow, what a disgusting monster you and your enormous pants aligator are! You slink away in shame. [[Try again->Landing]]

<h1>You have lost</h2> <h2>You forgot about your benign prostatic hypertrophy</h2> Your prostate is just as large as your dick is, causing it to press against your urethra, meaning that your tend to have issues controlling the flow of urine. As you deficate, a small arc of urine gets all over your pants. You shuffle out of the bathroom in shame. [[Start over->Landing]]

<H1>You have lost<H1> <h2>You accidentally aroused yourself and got a concussion</h2> You can only do this under very controlled circumstances, usually while lying down; the blood supply needed to power your giant redwood to full engorgement causes a temporary blackout, and you bang your skull against the walls of the stall. Better see a doctor. [[Start over->Landing]]

<H1>You win!</h1> <H2>You successfully took a shit!</h2> No boon of biology has stopped you yet! You've bested your own colossal hardware yet again. Congratulations! [[Start over->Landing]]

A nice little twine game. Inspired by <a href="http://www.vg247.com/2017/03/08/conan-exiles-on-xbox-one-wont-have-a-dick-slider-and-you-can-blame-microsoft/">that news story that they were removing the wang slider from the XBox version of the Conan game</a>. A bit NSFW. [[Landing<-sign me up!]]